His voice

Back home the leaves are changing, temperatures are cooling, pumpkin spice lattes are back at Starbucks, and everything Fall is underway. In Escuintla, it’s just as hot as ever, with more frequent and heavy rain, and on a day with a slight breeze, I’m able to remind myself that it’s actually October. Actually October and almost November, and soon I’ll be visiting home for Christmas.

            The adventure for me is hardly almost half way over. In many ways, I’m realizing now that it’s just beginning. It’s never been more clear to me how important it is to hear God’s voice daily. I need him to focus my heart and mind while I’m at Mana de Vida on what is actually important that the kids hear and see from me instead of what I think is important for them to hear. I’ve been asking him to help me understand and connect even more deeply in worship with my church community that is in many ways different than what I’ve experienced at home. I pray that his voice continue to guide me each day as I discover more and more what his plan might look like for me in the long term—where I will study, work, live; who I will be with. So far, I think my biggest challenge is remembering to make time to just listen. Life can be so busy, tiring, and full of good things, that I lose track of the one thing that makes everything matter—my Jesus.

            Looking back at my time here so far, there have been moments of great confidence, much growth and epiphany, and other troughs of just getting by, feeling confused or without direction, and times of asking myself “where has the time gone?” These moments aren’t necessarily distinct to my life in Guatemala; in fact, if I examine closely, these same feelings characterize the majority of my life. But I’ve realized that more than a constant ebbing and flowing of emotions, that in my walk with Jesus, in my spiritual Journey, and in realizing the purpose God has for me, I have so much more to learn, much more growing to do, and most exciting of all, much more intimacy to obtain with the God of this universe.

I used to feel threatened when I came into contact with people who have more intimacy with God than I do; I felt the need to compare myself spiritually to them, especially the closer these people are to me in age. This type of thinking caused me to feel guilty as I judged my own sense of spiritual maturity and intimacy with the Lord on the basis of my comparison to others. I’m so thankful that now my God is teaching me to realize the peril of this way of thinking. By constantly reminding me that he loves me without condition, that he is pleased with me because I am his child, and by drawing me to spend more time with him, he has begun to replace my struggle with comparison and feeling like I’m disappointing him with a new train of thought. He’s teaching me that instead of being threatened by others’ spiritual walks, gifts, and abilities, I can be encouraged. Encouraged that He and I have so much more to look forward to in our relationship, encouraged that I’m not alone and don’t have to be good at everything, and encouraged that I am surrounded by a group of people who are uniquely gifted to bring light to the darkness here in Escuintla.

Each day that I successfully see myself as God sees me, instead of seeing myself how I see me, or how I think other people see me, is a day I am truly connected to his purposes for my life—a day I make myself available to really listen and hear his guiding voice. 

Jesus Calling

Month 3 has already come to a close and time is starting to fly by.  I cannot even believe that back home my brothers and sisters are back in school, many of my friends are starting grad school or their new jobs, UGA’s football season is already undereway, and that I'm already feeling the pressure to think ahead to next year. 

In this whirlwind of adjustment to not having my family here anymore, to new relationships, to coming back to the heat of Escuintla after a relaxing 2 weeks in Guatemala City, to starting again at Maná, to applying for grad school… it’s been easy to lose track of what’s really important.

And then I hear the soft whisper of my Jesus calling me.

Even as I sat down to reflect on this past month and to update my blog, not knowing what to write, I opened the book by Sarah Young and read today’s entry.

          “ I continually call you to closeness with me. I know the depth and breadth of your need for me. I can read the emptiness of your thoughts when they wander away from Me. I offer rest for your soul as well as refreshment for your mind and body.”

My tendency is often to feel overwhelmed, as I’m being entrusted with new tasks, as my organization skills are being tested, and as every day something new comes into my path. Sometimes the only thing that keeps me from breaking down is reminding myself and telling Jesus that everything on my plate is really his. Maná de Vida is his, my relationships are His, my money is His, my possessions are His, my life is His. I cannot describe what a relief I feel and the new energy I have when I remember that ultimately He is in control, and He is the one who works in me to accomplish great things.

But today, Jesus helped me to realize something. I’m not alone as I talk to Him. I have a whole team of people who are dedicated to praying for me, and I’ve neglected to rely on them to intercede on my behalf. But I need you. I need my friends and supporters to be praying—we need your prayer here in Maná de Vida ministry, but also in Vida Real church in Escuintla.  I truly believe that God has called the Tzorin family (with whom I live) to bring light to the darkness of Escuintla. And this is a spiritual battle, and in many ways I have seen and felt the way the enemy is resisting the work God has called us to do:

So many of the children’s hearts in Maná de Vida have become hardened by life circumstances—physical and verbal abuse, neglect, poverty. We desperately need your prayer on their behalf, that their hearts would be opened again, their wounds healed, and their families changed.

There are a few kids with serious discipline issues that we need to make decisions about in terms of suspending them or even expelling them from our program. Please pray for wisdom and discernment in these decisions and that we would be able to reach the hearts of these children.

The church youth group, “conexión” has been growing incredibly and God has already changed the lives of many young people, but we are starting to become tired, and relationships within the church youth group leadership are being strained. Please pray for strength and wisdom for our leadership and for group cohesion with the youth.

In this next month, my hope is that many of my supporters and friends, in response to this blog post would send me an email or a message asking them what they can specifically pray for me or for Escuintla. I’ll give you the name of a child, or event, or area in my own personal life—whatever it may be so that you can be praying specific prayers on my journey.

Thank you!!

“Peace be to you all, and love with faith from God the father and the Lord Jesus Christ”

Ephesians 6:23

every thought

One part of my life here in Escuintla which I have yet to mention is my involvement in a GPS--a Grupo Pequeño Saludable (church small group). It’s no coincidence that these letters also signify the small device that we put in our cars to help guide our way.  We’ve started reading Rick Warren’s “Una Vida con Proposito,” you guessed it, The Purpose Driven Life.  Of the many themes in this book, the one I’ve been able to grasp hold of most is the theme of companionship with God. Although it’s difficult, and my success rate isn’t very high, I’ve begun to surrender my thoughts to Jesus. I’ve begun to say, “Jesus, I’m really irritated right now,” or “I’m really annoyed with this person, Will you change my attitude?” or, “Jesus, I know I should be listening to the sermon, but my thoughts keep wandering off to the boy I have a crush on.” or “Jesus, I feel like I could whack one of these kids in the face for their disobedience, please give me peace and grace to deal with them,” or “God, I’m having so much fun. Thank you SO much for bringing me to this place.”  So far, not much has changed… I still make the same mistakes I do every day. But, I am starting to notice a difference. The more I surrender my thoughts to Jesus—the thoughts I know are sinful, the thoughts that aren’t really sinful, they just kind of pop into my head, my happy thoughts and my sad thoughts, my moments of confusion; the more I feel like he’s actually here with me, and the less I feel like I need to try and impress him with my ‘spirituality’.

           

It wasn’t until today that I realized the true impact of what giving your thoughts over to God can mean. Today, Yohana and I had an interview with Bernardo (I’ve changed his name for privacy).  Bernardo is one of the older kids at Maná and has had poor attendance lately. Yohana and I sat with him for a while, playing a game of dominoes, just sitting, having fun, enjoying the game. After game #2, it was time to get down to business. Yohana started asking him all sorts of questions about where he lives, where he works, etc. I sat there listening, trying to keep up, when in reality, I only understood about half of the conversation. Mostly I was fixed on Bernardo as he fiddled with the dominoes, stacking them and straightening them out. But then the conversation took a turn. Yohana asked, and how about your heart? How is it doing? 

My ears perked up. Bernardo slowly shared the painful story of betrayal, adultery, and pain that he had watched his parents go through, and that he and his brothers and sisters had suffered through as well. I honestly didn’t understand many of the details until Yohana explained to me afterward, but I got the gist. When he paused, I spoke my first words. “And, how does all of that make you feel?”

“Rabia. Enojo…Rage, anger, bitterness” were the words he used to describe his emotions. I sat in silence while Yohana looked through her stacks of materials. Finally she broke my train of thought—“huh, I don’t have a bible.” Without hesitation I ran to my office and grabbed my Biblia. I flipped quickly to Ephesians 4:31-32 and read to Bernardo, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ God forgave you.”  I chose that verse because of the part on forgiveness, but it was pure coincidence (or the workings of the double edged sword) that the verse before used the exact words Bernardo had. Rage. Anger.

Praying that the right words would come out, I explained to Bernardo that Jesus calls us to forgive others in the same way he forgives us. Here fit the gospel. “I mess up, all the time—I have bad thoughts, I do things I know are wrong, and God has every reason to be angry with ME like you are with those in your life who have hurt you. But he sent Jesus to DIE for me so that I could be forgiven. And now, He asks me to forgive others. But..” I told him, “There’s a second reason God wants us to forgive others. He knows that when we choose not to forgive, the only person we’re really hurting is ourselves. He knows that the only way to get rid of our anger and rage and bitterness is to forgive and to let him have control of the situation.” Then, with perfect timing, Yohana told Bernardo her story. How, years ago, she had a baby that was born with many difficulties. The woman taking care of the infant told her it would be alright, and that the baby would get better, but it died. For weeks Yohana cried, and each time she saw the woman’s face she was filled with rage for her baby’s death. She spent all of her time in mourning, brooding with anger at the woman she felt had caused her daughter’s death.  For weeks this went on, until finally, the Lord spoke to her and asked her, “Do you want to be like this forever?” He then taught Yohana the slow process of forgiveness. It started with a smile instead of a sour face when she saw the woman. Gradually, it turned into “hello,” until finally Yohana was truly able to bless the woman who had been her enemy and was completely healed.

I explained again that when we don’t forgive, it’s as if someone stabbed a knife (which I accidentally called a spoon about 5 times, and kept correcting myself) into us, and instead of taking the knife out, we begin to twist it in more deeply. Yohana read more scripture, “come to me all who who are burdened, and I will give you rest.” At this point, tears were in Bernardo’s eyes. The more we spoke, the harder he began to cry. Through her words, Yohana created a picture of what restoration could look like in Bernardo’s family. She reminded him that God has a plan for him, that God can give him the strength he needs. I added, “the best part is, Bernardo, we’re not alone. Jesus knows we can’t do it on our own. All He asks is that we can let him in so he can do the work." Speaking turned in to praying. Yohana asked, “Do you need to ask Jesus for forgiveness, and for the ability to forgive.” I added, “will you take out the knife, so Jesus can heal your wounds? Will you trade him your pain and anger for his abundance of peace, joy, and freedom?” Through his tears, he nodded yes. Yohana prayed and he repeated and he accepted Christ into his life. Then, he and I prayed together. Bernardo let go of his rage. All of his bitterness and anger and pain and sadness. He traded them in for joy and peace and the ability to forgive.

Afterwards I reminded him. You know, sometimes you’re still gonna feel angry and bitter. But, in those moments, don’t feel bad for being mad, and don’t try and hide it. Do what I’m learning to do. Just tell Him exactly how you feel. Tell Him all your thoughts. He won’t be mad at you, He’ll help you and He’ll show you how much He loves you.

2 hours later, after all the tears were dried up and Bernardo was on his way home, he found me, hugged me as hard as he could (I thought I was going to pop) and whispered, “Thank you.” He walked away with energy, and you could physically see the difference in his demeanor; the burden was definitely gone.

Thanks Jesus. Thank you for your work in Bernardo’s life, and thank you for letting me get to be a tiny part of it. There’s nothing sweeter than the moments when I know, without doubt, that I’m exactly where You want me to be. 

a day in the life

Exactly one month ago today, I remember not being able to stomach breakfast as I said goodbye to my family and the surprise I felt when tears welled up in my eyes as I walked through the maze of security lines at Hartsfield-Jackson. And what a whirlwind it has been since that day. It's hard to decide which moments, of the many I've experienced here in Guatemala are worth sharing. I could try to walk you through a typical "day in the life"... each day is SO different, but I'll give it a shot:

I wake up, shower if I absolutely have to, put on a tshirt and jeans, TONS of insect repellent, pack my bag and I'm out the door. At Mana, I check each kid's attendance and compliance with dress code, and then I get to sit down and eat breakfast with them--blackbean sandwiches and sweet bread, and sometimes eggs! 

I help everyone get ready for the day--bring teachers special materials, like crayons or dictionaries they might need, and make sure everyone gets to class on time. Then my work begins. I spend the first half of the day with Yohanna. Together, we individually interview students who are either new to mana de vida, or are having behavioral issues. The Lord is really using these interviews to test my patience and my social work skills. Sometimes, the interviews are frustrating--none of the questions we ask seem to give us the information we need to know. Other times, we find out hard things--"my dad hits us when he comes home drunk," and our next question becomes, what do we do now that we have this information? One thing I know without a doubt, we need God's wisdom and guidance to know what to do, but more, we need people to be praying that the spirit of the Lord would enter these homes and bring healing to families through the church. 

One of my favorite parts of the day comes next: story time with first, second and third grade. It can be frustrating getting all of them to listen at once, but asking questions about the books, and watching the children light up when they know the answer is so much fun. And after story time, we get to have LUNCH! 

Throughout the day I have pockets of time designated to prepare for my English classes, which I usually give in the afternoons, alternating between 4th 5th and 6th grade and middle school. Teaching is probably the most difficult part of the day, because it's really hard to keep everyone's attention at once. I have a really hard time going on talking when I specifically see students who are talking or not paying attention. Often, I spend more time waiting for quiet sometimes than I do actually teaching. But I'm learning. Strategies that work better than others, each day is trial and error, a new test of patience, and a new way for the Lord to remind me that he loves me regardless of how little I accomplish, and that I need him constantly. 

After classes, I work organizing the school library--right now I'm working on entering all the books onto an excel document in order to organize them alphabetically and create a computerized system for checking books out and returning them. My knowledge of Excel and technology in general is limited, so if you think you can help me--PLEASE contact me! 

If I'm not working on the library, I'm helping prepare for church on Sundays (creating the set for the stage, folding pamphlets, creating invitations, etc.) or I'm helping the middle and high school kids study for various things. Today in particular I had to relearn the difference between parabolas, elipses, and hyperbolas--I wish I had paid more attention in algebra and pre-calculus!! 

When I get home from work, on any given day, I have some time to relax, some days I have English lessons with Marlon and Jessica, my "parents," and I spend time rehearsing music for Sundays--I'm now on the worship team at church. I make it sound like work, but English lessons are such a fun way to be able to connect one on one with both Jessica and Marlon, so I cherish that time, and learning to sing worship songs in Spanish is one of my favorite ways to spend my free time. 

In this brief (yet somehow really long) summary of my day in the life, I realize I've neglected to depict so many aspects of my life here, including the close friendships I've begun to form, and the fun and laughter I've gotten to have along the way...

One thing is for sure, though. God has blessed me already in this one month in more ways than I ever imagined. And he has demanded me to give to him more of myself than I even realized I had to give. And, as I keep saying, this is STILL ONLY THE BEGINNING! So PLEASE keep praying for me and for this ministry! 

the power of prayer

Each day here, God has been teaching me something new about himself. I wake up early each morning, sometimes 5:30am, and sometimes I get to sleep in until 6. My first night, I woke up several times and could not sleep, hearing voices in my head saying, "you can't do this--it's so hot you will not ever be able to sleep." "You'll never get used to the food, and your stomach will continue to hurt forever" "You are so thirsty, and you can't drink anything, because there is no water safe to drink." "They'll be fine without you, just go home" the voices told me that night.  I wanted so badly to cry. But then I remembered Jessica's sweet words from earlier that day. She told me, "Kelli, I want you to feel at peace here with us, and know that this is your home--feel comforable here as if this house was your own. Communicate with me if there is ever anything wrong, if you feel something is too much." In that moment I was reminded that I could simply go to the kitchen, grab a glass, fill it with filtered water, swallow a pill for my stomach, and return to my room and turn on the fan.

That morning, I still had a stomach ache. I had energy to get up, but I was still in pain and wondering if it would ever go away. That morning in the car, I told Jessica what had happened last night, and about the pain I was experiencing. She explained to me that here, the evil one does not like what God is doing in Mana de Vida--the way children and their families are being brought each day from death to life, are finding hope and joy in the Lord. So he will do what he can do destroy it. Just last month, she said, her husband's truck was stolen, and computers from his buisness were taken as well. 

But the evil one is not the only one who has power here. She pulled me aside when we got to the school to pray with her. She prayed that the Lord would give me strength to live this new life He has called me to, in the midst of this battle between good and evil. Supernatural strength she prayed over me to love children who desperately need it, to do difficult tasks, and to have wisdom in difficult situations. She also prayed that the Lord would calm my stomach and bring me peace. 

From that moment until now, I have not felt the slightest stomach pain. Also from that moment I have heard the most difficult and painful stories. This girl's mother used to be a strong figure in the church, but since has developed cancer, and has turned to drugs and alcohol to deal with the pain, and many rumors are said about her. Another boy, only 5 years old witnessed his father stabbing his mother to death. Another sweet girl who had her pencils confiscated for behaving poorly in class cried in my arms, explaining to me her fear that the pencils belonged to her brother, and she was afraid he would hit her like he has in the past if she did not bring the pencils home. There has been much darkness in many of these children's lives. 

But there is hope. At MDV, even though the teachers are young, and often stretched thin between all the children, they show an incredible amount of Christ's love. It gave me chills as first and second graders sang to me, "Arriba, Abajo, al centro, afuera--siempre estoy feliz" "Up and down, inside and out, I always have joy. Ever since Jesus entered my life and cleaned my heart, I have joy." At the school, disobedience is treated with love, compassion, firmness and discipline--not with violence. God is doing an amazing work through the teachers here and through the church in Escuintla. He is doing an amazing work through Jessica as well. Rarely have I seen women like her--she does everything: coordinates the school, leads women's group at the church, hosts a christian radio program, and takes care of her children. When I asked her how she does it, she simply says--I don't. I can't; I have to ask the Lord daily to give me strength, and somehow, in Him, and with the help of others, everything gets done. She is a true example of what it means to live through His spirit and power. 

As I think about this next year, I am confident that alone, I'd be in way over my head--I don't have enough education experience, after 8 years of Spanish, I still lack ability to understand and communicate at times, I don't have enough patience, knowledge, or ability. But, as the words of my new favorite song go, "En Ti, nada es imposible." In you, nothing is impossible. In You, Lord, I can do anything. 

priorities

After graduation on May 11, I figured I'd have some time to slow down and relax. But with continued support raising, and emails and phone calls and planning, and traveling, I see that these 3 week between graduation and my departure to Guatemala will possibly have been my most busy yet. I realize now how important it is to make spending time in God's word a priority. It's so easy to get caught up in details, to be frustrated when things don't go as smoothly as I'd hoped, to snap at family members simply because I'm irritated, and to become overwhelmed with everything I have left to accomplish before I leave.

For the first time yesterday morning, I had the chance to sit down quietly and read from the book my aunt gave me for graduation, Dear Graduate by Charles Swindoll. Of course, the first chapter was on priorities, and the ones that followed were about ethics and integrity. My eyes were open to see that even as I seek to accomplish great things in the Lord's name, I have allowed other things, such as my desire for comfort and security and my need to have control take priority in my life.  While many of the actions I've been taking are good, and even necessary, I realize that "His kindom and His righteousness" come first in my daily life, and that I must trust God to take care of these other things in due time. 

As if this simple realization weren't enough for me, the Lord has once again been faithful to me despite my lack of faith and has exceeded my expectations for what I thought he meant by "seek first My kingdom and my righteousness and all these things will be added to you." He has taken the one thing that gave me the most anxiety--raising financial support, and shown me exactly what he meant by this verse.  I kept telling Him and others that I trusted Him in this area, knowing that if Escuintla is where He wants me to be, then he will provide for my needs there. But deep down, I've had lingering doubt and fear that I wasted too much time, that I wouldn't raise my support, that this whole journey might be a mistake.  Jesus continues to calm my fears, and even as I realize that I have failed to seek Him first in all things, I see that He went ahead and "added these things" anyway. Despite my failure to obey. This is grace.  Last night, I sat in tears as I opened and read the document that showed the cards people had sent in. I was overwhelmed by the people who committed to pray for me and who had the faith to invest their money in this ministry. In only two weeks time, over half of my support has been raised. This current amount is hardly a reflection of my own faithfulness to God's kingdom in Guatemala; it is rather a testament of His grace that covers my imperfections and His commitment to furthering His own glory through the church and ministry in Escuintla, Guatemala.

beginnings

The past four months have been so long. I've known since December that the Lord has been calling me to Guatemala, but so many times I felt like maybe I had heard wrong--wondering why God seemed to be taking so long. Trusting God when you feel the clock ticking away is so hard! But each day I'm learning that he really does know what he's doing. And his plan is turning out to be so much better than my own.

Today I talked for the first time to Jessica Sagastume, the wonderful woman who is opening her home to me for the next year. Jessica also runs the organization, Maná de Vida where I will be working teaching English. Getting to know her, little by little, through email, phone conversations, and video chat has made me even more excited for everything God has planned for my life in the next year. I'm so humbled by the work being done through Maná de Vida--children are being fed and educated, God is touching their lives and the lives of parents, strong community is being built by the power of the gospel, and I am so thankful to Jesus that I get to be a part of it.

Jessica explained to me today a little bit about what I will be doing in Escuintla, the city in which Maná de Vida is located. The school runs Monday-Saturday from 7 in the morning until 3 in the afternoon and includes breakfast and lunch for the kids, devotionals, classes, time for extra instruction and homework, and work on extracurricular activities. As of now, my main task will be to teach English in the school alongside a Guatemalan professor. Jessica assured me there would always be plenty of work and things for me to do outside of my role as a teacher, from helping to organize meals, to program planning, to helping out on Sundays at Vida Real, the local church.

Now that God has given me a picture of what life will be like in the next year, It's time to start trusting him all over again as I pray for his provision of support on this journey. Time is so short--I leave on June 1st to head to Guatemala, which gives me little more than one month to raise $7,500, which calculates to about $500 per month + airfare. To me, this number seems SO big, but I know that if God has provided for me this far, He is powerful to continue to provide.

If there's anything that I've learned in the past year, it's that His goodness is not controlled by my faithfulness. In moments of doubt, impatience, and even blatant disobedience on my part, God has continued to show me His love. I know He has so much to teach me about Himself through this incredible journey, I only pray that as He blesses me, that I too would be a blessing to those I meet and come to know in Guatemala.