every thought

One part of my life here in Escuintla which I have yet to mention is my involvement in a GPS--a Grupo Pequeño Saludable (church small group). It’s no coincidence that these letters also signify the small device that we put in our cars to help guide our way.  We’ve started reading Rick Warren’s “Una Vida con Proposito,” you guessed it, The Purpose Driven Life.  Of the many themes in this book, the one I’ve been able to grasp hold of most is the theme of companionship with God. Although it’s difficult, and my success rate isn’t very high, I’ve begun to surrender my thoughts to Jesus. I’ve begun to say, “Jesus, I’m really irritated right now,” or “I’m really annoyed with this person, Will you change my attitude?” or, “Jesus, I know I should be listening to the sermon, but my thoughts keep wandering off to the boy I have a crush on.” or “Jesus, I feel like I could whack one of these kids in the face for their disobedience, please give me peace and grace to deal with them,” or “God, I’m having so much fun. Thank you SO much for bringing me to this place.”  So far, not much has changed… I still make the same mistakes I do every day. But, I am starting to notice a difference. The more I surrender my thoughts to Jesus—the thoughts I know are sinful, the thoughts that aren’t really sinful, they just kind of pop into my head, my happy thoughts and my sad thoughts, my moments of confusion; the more I feel like he’s actually here with me, and the less I feel like I need to try and impress him with my ‘spirituality’.

           

It wasn’t until today that I realized the true impact of what giving your thoughts over to God can mean. Today, Yohana and I had an interview with Bernardo (I’ve changed his name for privacy).  Bernardo is one of the older kids at Maná and has had poor attendance lately. Yohana and I sat with him for a while, playing a game of dominoes, just sitting, having fun, enjoying the game. After game #2, it was time to get down to business. Yohana started asking him all sorts of questions about where he lives, where he works, etc. I sat there listening, trying to keep up, when in reality, I only understood about half of the conversation. Mostly I was fixed on Bernardo as he fiddled with the dominoes, stacking them and straightening them out. But then the conversation took a turn. Yohana asked, and how about your heart? How is it doing? 

My ears perked up. Bernardo slowly shared the painful story of betrayal, adultery, and pain that he had watched his parents go through, and that he and his brothers and sisters had suffered through as well. I honestly didn’t understand many of the details until Yohana explained to me afterward, but I got the gist. When he paused, I spoke my first words. “And, how does all of that make you feel?”

“Rabia. Enojo…Rage, anger, bitterness” were the words he used to describe his emotions. I sat in silence while Yohana looked through her stacks of materials. Finally she broke my train of thought—“huh, I don’t have a bible.” Without hesitation I ran to my office and grabbed my Biblia. I flipped quickly to Ephesians 4:31-32 and read to Bernardo, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ God forgave you.”  I chose that verse because of the part on forgiveness, but it was pure coincidence (or the workings of the double edged sword) that the verse before used the exact words Bernardo had. Rage. Anger.

Praying that the right words would come out, I explained to Bernardo that Jesus calls us to forgive others in the same way he forgives us. Here fit the gospel. “I mess up, all the time—I have bad thoughts, I do things I know are wrong, and God has every reason to be angry with ME like you are with those in your life who have hurt you. But he sent Jesus to DIE for me so that I could be forgiven. And now, He asks me to forgive others. But..” I told him, “There’s a second reason God wants us to forgive others. He knows that when we choose not to forgive, the only person we’re really hurting is ourselves. He knows that the only way to get rid of our anger and rage and bitterness is to forgive and to let him have control of the situation.” Then, with perfect timing, Yohana told Bernardo her story. How, years ago, she had a baby that was born with many difficulties. The woman taking care of the infant told her it would be alright, and that the baby would get better, but it died. For weeks Yohana cried, and each time she saw the woman’s face she was filled with rage for her baby’s death. She spent all of her time in mourning, brooding with anger at the woman she felt had caused her daughter’s death.  For weeks this went on, until finally, the Lord spoke to her and asked her, “Do you want to be like this forever?” He then taught Yohana the slow process of forgiveness. It started with a smile instead of a sour face when she saw the woman. Gradually, it turned into “hello,” until finally Yohana was truly able to bless the woman who had been her enemy and was completely healed.

I explained again that when we don’t forgive, it’s as if someone stabbed a knife (which I accidentally called a spoon about 5 times, and kept correcting myself) into us, and instead of taking the knife out, we begin to twist it in more deeply. Yohana read more scripture, “come to me all who who are burdened, and I will give you rest.” At this point, tears were in Bernardo’s eyes. The more we spoke, the harder he began to cry. Through her words, Yohana created a picture of what restoration could look like in Bernardo’s family. She reminded him that God has a plan for him, that God can give him the strength he needs. I added, “the best part is, Bernardo, we’re not alone. Jesus knows we can’t do it on our own. All He asks is that we can let him in so he can do the work." Speaking turned in to praying. Yohana asked, “Do you need to ask Jesus for forgiveness, and for the ability to forgive.” I added, “will you take out the knife, so Jesus can heal your wounds? Will you trade him your pain and anger for his abundance of peace, joy, and freedom?” Through his tears, he nodded yes. Yohana prayed and he repeated and he accepted Christ into his life. Then, he and I prayed together. Bernardo let go of his rage. All of his bitterness and anger and pain and sadness. He traded them in for joy and peace and the ability to forgive.

Afterwards I reminded him. You know, sometimes you’re still gonna feel angry and bitter. But, in those moments, don’t feel bad for being mad, and don’t try and hide it. Do what I’m learning to do. Just tell Him exactly how you feel. Tell Him all your thoughts. He won’t be mad at you, He’ll help you and He’ll show you how much He loves you.

2 hours later, after all the tears were dried up and Bernardo was on his way home, he found me, hugged me as hard as he could (I thought I was going to pop) and whispered, “Thank you.” He walked away with energy, and you could physically see the difference in his demeanor; the burden was definitely gone.

Thanks Jesus. Thank you for your work in Bernardo’s life, and thank you for letting me get to be a tiny part of it. There’s nothing sweeter than the moments when I know, without doubt, that I’m exactly where You want me to be.