I just got back to Escuintla this past Tuesday, January 8, and I have to admit that adjusting back now after having been home for almost a month is really hard. The first couple days, I felt incredibly tired and overwhelmed, not having prepared myself to be thrown into action. Being back in the US was easy and comfortable. Here, I immediately found myself becoming bitter at the loss of so many luxuries I had gained back during my vacation time. Hot showers, having my own car, no mosquitoes, not having to ask permission for everything, feeling in the loop. I felt so unprepared for everything being thrown at me. Also, the first day I was back, I found out that many of the members of my church here had begun to do the Daniel fast, (a 21 day fast in which you refrain from eating meats and processed foods and eat only fruits, vegetables, whole grains and legumes). Since they had already started, I felt the need to decide yes or no to doing the fast, and without much thought, decided, why not? So I've been fasting now for 5 days. The first two days, along with my general attitude, were full of bitterness (should I even be doing this when most Americans avoid uncooked vegetables altogether when in Guatemala). I had headaches, I was grumpy, my stomach hurt and I was pretty much miserable. More than anything, I just wanted out. I wanted to go home. I wanted to go back to sleeping in and being on my own schedules and understanding everything going on around me. I quickly resolved: forget any thoughts of extending my stay here. I'll grit it out until the times up, and then I'm out of here to go to grad school, find a job-- anything but this.
After the first day of school, I felt about the same. Complaining, "Ugh, I don't have training to be a teacher. I'm not cut out for this--I don't even like it. I just want to go home, study, and then start doing something I actually can handle. Every night I felt like crying, and all I wanted to do was go to bed.
As for my time alone with God, I think fasting pushed me more to spend time with him, but mostly it just gave me the idea to read the book of Daniel. So I started reading, and really, of all the books of the bible, Daniel is one of the most interesting, so it hasn't taken me long to get through it. I was impressed by Daniel. His resolve to do the right thing, even when constantly being put under pressure. His wisdom, which was simple really, was to just ask God to reveal things to him every time he needed to be wise. And God was always faithful.
I can't explain exactly how, but I think Daniel has been wearing on me. Yesterday at school was much easier. Things felt way less chaotic and I actually felt the resolve to love my kids and surprisingly--I think yesterday they may have actually learned something new. I started to feel something for the first time since I had been back--hope. I actually felt excited about my chance to teach 4th and 5th grade, instead of dreading it. But then, in the afternoon, one harsh comment sent me straight back into bitterness. It's funny how God works though. As I sat simmering on the comment that was made, I couldn't help but pay attention to the work I was doing at the time. I was translating a children's book talking about the fruit of the spirit. The book said that the fruit of Patience is "enduring life without complaining, waiting for god, and trusting him even when you don't understand." It went on to say that Anger is the attitude that spoils patience. "Anger leads to wrong thoughts and complaining words. People get angry when they are hurt or want their own way." Hmm. Yup. I thought. I guess that pretty much describes what's been going on with me these past days.
But it wasn't until this morning that I really understood why. I wrote in my journal, spilling out all the different feelings I've had this week. Sharing with him the guilt I felt about not having spent enough time with him, I realized something I should have seen a long time ago. I'm hurt. I'm hurt because I've been believing a lie, and that lie has been tearing a wound into my soul. The lie I've been believing is that I'm not good enough. I often believe I'm not good enough for God, for my job, for the people I care about. But, when I remember the truth that I value to God for who I am (his child) and not for what I do, I don't have to feel under pressure. I don't have a hard master, I have a master that loves me and wants me to succeed in his plans for me.
I never posted this blog... I think I was scared for people to know the time of frustration I went through, but how can I share the good and hide the bad?
Today is March 10th. I realize now, in rough times and in happy times that God has sent me here to form my character, to make me fall in love with him and to teach me about obedience. I'm really good at obeying when I agree, when I'm on board, when I'm passionate about something. Obedience is a lot harder when I'm not so happy about it, but God's blessings to me in this hard time of doing what's right even when it's not easy (and often failing and finding a way to do what I want instead of what He wants), I'm really starting to see the type of life he has planned for me. And the more I surrender and obey even when I don't really want to, the more I've started to realizing--it is actually what I want. The life God has planned for me IS better than having it my own way.
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