In the desert--Written in January, finished in March

I just got back to Escuintla this past Tuesday, January 8, and I have to admit that adjusting back now after having been home for almost a month is really hard. The first couple days, I felt incredibly tired and overwhelmed, not having prepared myself to be thrown into action. Being back in the US was easy and comfortable. Here, I immediately found myself becoming bitter at the loss of so many luxuries I had gained back during my vacation time. Hot showers, having my own car, no mosquitoes, not having to ask permission for everything, feeling in the loop. I felt so unprepared for everything being thrown at me. Also, the first day I was back, I found out that many of the members of my church here had begun to do the Daniel fast, (a 21 day fast in which you refrain from eating meats and processed foods and eat only fruits, vegetables, whole grains and legumes).  Since they had already started, I felt the need to decide yes or no to doing the fast, and without much thought, decided, why not? So I've been fasting now for 5 days. The first two days, along with my general attitude, were full of bitterness (should I even be doing this when most Americans avoid uncooked vegetables altogether when in Guatemala). I had headaches, I was grumpy, my stomach hurt and I was pretty much miserable. More than anything, I just wanted out. I wanted to go home. I wanted to go back to sleeping in and being on my own schedules and understanding everything going on around me. I quickly resolved: forget any thoughts of extending my stay here. I'll grit it out until the times up, and then I'm out of here to go to grad school, find a job-- anything but this.

After the first day of school, I felt about the same. Complaining, "Ugh, I don't have training to be a teacher. I'm not cut out for this--I don't even like it. I just want to go home, study, and then start doing something I actually can handle. Every night I felt like crying, and all I wanted to do was go to bed.

As for my time alone with God, I think fasting pushed me more to spend time with him, but mostly it just gave me the idea to read the book of Daniel. So I started reading, and really, of all the books of the bible, Daniel is one of the most interesting, so it hasn't taken me long to get through it. I was impressed by Daniel. His resolve to do the right thing, even when constantly being put under pressure. His wisdom, which was simple really, was to just ask God to reveal things to him every time he needed to be wise. And God was always faithful.

I can't explain exactly how, but I think Daniel has been wearing on me. Yesterday at school was much easier. Things felt way less chaotic and I actually felt the resolve to love my kids and surprisingly--I think yesterday they may have actually learned something new. I started to feel something for the first time since I had been back--hope. I actually felt excited about my chance to teach 4th and 5th grade, instead of dreading it. But then, in the afternoon, one harsh comment sent me straight back into bitterness. It's funny how God works though. As I sat simmering on the comment that was made, I couldn't help but pay attention to the work I was doing at the time. I was translating a children's book talking about the fruit of the spirit. The book said that the fruit of Patience is "enduring life without complaining, waiting for god, and trusting him even when you don't understand." It went on to say that Anger is the attitude that spoils patience. "Anger leads to wrong thoughts and complaining words. People get angry when they are hurt or want their own way." Hmm. Yup. I thought. I guess that pretty much describes what's been going on with me these past days.

But it wasn't until this morning that I really understood why.  I wrote in my journal, spilling out all the different feelings I've had this week. Sharing with him the guilt I felt about not having spent enough time with him, I realized something I should have seen a long time ago. I'm hurt. I'm hurt because I've been believing a lie, and that lie has been tearing a wound into my soul. The lie I've been believing is that I'm not good enough.  I often believe I'm not good enough for God, for my job, for the people I care about.  But, when I remember the truth that I value to God for who I am (his child) and not for what I do, I don't have to feel under pressure. I don't have a hard master, I have a master that loves me and wants me to succeed in his plans for me.

I never posted this blog... I think I was scared for people to know the time of frustration I went through, but how can I share the good and hide the bad?

Today is March 10th. I realize now, in rough times and in happy times that God has sent me here to form my character, to make me fall in love with him and to teach me about obedience. I'm really good at obeying when I agree, when I'm on board, when I'm passionate about something. Obedience is a lot harder when I'm not so happy about it, but God's blessings to me in this hard time of doing what's right even when it's not easy (and often failing and finding a way to do what I want instead of what He wants), I'm really starting to see the type of life he has planned for me. And the more I surrender and obey even when I don't really want to, the more I've started to realizing--it is actually what I want. The life God has planned for me IS better than having it my own way.

a new name

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted anything about my time here in Escuintla.  I’ve written, but I haven’t posted, and now with so many things that have happened in my life, it’s hard to know what to share.  I’ll start with the question that I’d been waiting to find an answer to all year…. What is my next step?

I have loved and been amazed by God this past year. So much so that I wondered if I might stay here longer. But I had also planned to come back to the states and go to grad school. I prayed about my decision, asking that God would make clear to me my next step. I started keeping a journal where I’ve just said, “God, speak to me,” and then I record what I hear him say. At times I was skeptical, wondering if it was just my brain thinking or if God was really speaking to me. But He did. Every time I ask him to (which is not every day), he has said something perfectly adequate. One of the first times I did this, he indicated me the book of Ruth, and began to point out similarities between her story and mine, and blessing me with words of comfort. So, I began to ask him to speak clearly to me about whether to go to Grad School in May or whether to stay here in Escuintla.

This was his answer,

“Have faith my daughter and let your doubts of my presence in your life fade away. I who have provided for you from the beginning will continue to provide just what you need. Don’t be afraid to lift up the deepest worries of your heart to me. Wait patiently, all the while expecting that your god will answer you. Do not lose heart, but know that when I reveal to you my plan to you, you will be amazed by me again. You will joyfully commit without reservation to the road I will lay out for you. But now, prepare your heart for today, for the challenges and the faces of children you will meet. I will make you patient. I will give you peace. Be blessed by me this day. Read Psalm 118… ‘this is the day the lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.’”

The Lord has been taking my worries about the future and refocusing me on his plans for me in the present. And as I started to learn how to do this, He did something completely unique in my life.

Around this time, Jessica invited me to sing at a Women’s conference in Escuintla that she was teaching at. I prepared, but the day before, something happened with the music arrangement and I would no longer be able to sing. That week had been draining, and I was relieved and thinking about sleeping in and no longer going to the conference, but something urged me to go anyway. The day was beautiful and full of wonderful speakers, and I had the privilege of sitting at the pastors table and meeting them.

One of the speakers spoke about the new name God gives us as his daughters. The teaching comes from several passages in scripture, including Romans 2. This teaching had been one I had heard many times before, but I hadn’t really given any thought to if God had given ME a new name. So when Jessica leaned over and asked me if I had received my new name, I said, “no… not yet.” But I thought about it. In one of my times alone with Him, God had been directing me to the character of Ruth. Could it be that this was my new name? As I sat their praying, asking God to reveal himself to me, I looked up the book of Ruth, searching for confirmation. A woman I had met earlier that day, one of the teachers, from Venezuela, came up behind me and began to prophesy over me. Hearing prophetic words was not something I was used to, but is something that has happened to me several times this past year. She began to speak God’s confirmation into my life. She said that God knows I’ve been unsure but that this is his confirmation that my name is Ruth.  And as Ruth left her home to go to a foreign country, a country of abundance, so had I done. Jessica sat down next to us as she prophesied and the prophet spoke that Jessica was my Naomi, the one who I had followed on this scary adventure and who I was developing a special bond with. And then the prophet said something very clear. She said that Guatemala was my new home, but that I would return for a time of preparation, and come back. She spoke that I would be a great administrator (I will be going home to study Administration in Social Work), and many other things that specifically pertain to my life.

In tears I sat with Jessica receiving this special confirmation from the Lord and I knew that this was the special time he had promised to me—the time I would be amazed by that would leave me joyful with my decision for the future. I’ll be leaving for a time of preparation, but I will be coming back.

A few weeks later I got into the MSSW Community Administration and Leadership program at the University of Texas. Without hesitation I accepted, and know where I will be for the next year. God has been faithful to me and more than anything he has made me more confident of his voice in my life. He keeps revealing the steps in my life to me a little bit at a time, and I still struggle with getting ahead of myself, and Him, but I am encouraged and excited about the direction he’s taking me in and the blessings of his promises being fulfilled in my life.

And I know that if his plans for me are this detailed and this special, then I know He has plans this special for each of His children. So if you’re still waiting for God to reveal his plans for your life, don’t be afraid to ask Him. Because he WILL answer. His answers aren’t always so easy to hear, but they are always so good.