Provider

"Give me faith to trust what you say/ that you're good and your love is great. I'm broken inside/ I give you my life." --elevation worship (new favorite song)

Tomorrow starts the beginning of my last week in Guatemala. Today at church, the good-byes officially started as my last Sunday in Escuintla was announced. It's hard to describe the way I feel but I'll try: I feel anticipation for the future, reminiscence over so many memories, anxiety about being ready for all the changes to take place, excitement about all the joyful celebration to happen before I leave, fear of the unknown, love and warmth toward all the people who have made a difference in my life, sadness over leaving those people, frustration at feeling like it's all going by too fast, and peaceful contentment in knowing God's plan for me has been, is, and continues to be so good.  Mixed emotions to say the least.

Tonight I took a walk around the neighborhood (one of my Sunday afternoon/evening habits), and I realize it might have been my last. These walks are my times of talking to and listening to God and unwinding everything I've experienced in a given week. Tonight my time with Him was especially good.

I confessed to him a dream I had this morning: I was walking with Pablo aimlessly around a college campus, looking for parking services, getting lost several times and feeling I was in some sort of labyrinth. When I finally found it, I realized I had lost my drivers license and had no idea where it was... then I had to write down my phone number and I couldn't remember it... Even though the dream seems silly, it had me terrified.

I realized when I started telling God about it, that I'm really anxious about starting school at UT. I got in and He's given me confirmation that I need to go. By this point, I know where and with whom I will be living. But I still don't know how to pay for it.  I've applied to jobs and assistantships, and so far, no word. I'm also hoping I might qualify for instate tuition.

So I started out by asking him to work in the hearts of those I will need to talk to in order for the above to happen, confess my worry to Him, and after long, I ended up just thanking Him. For everything he's done for me this year. And before I knew it he started to speak to me. He began to convict me in ways I didn't expect. I realized part of the reason I wanted a job/assistantship was for my parents to be proud of me. They've provided so much for me, and I want the pride of knowing I no longer need their support, and that I'm competent enough to do it on my own. But if there's one thing God showed me this past week of having my parents with me, it's that they're already more than proud of me. They love me, and they are still willing to do whatever it takes to help support me if I need them. God continued to speak.

"I will provide for you, Kelli.  Worship me. Remember my promises. Remember the works I have done in your life. When I called you to Guatemala, you waited months before you had my confirmation. And even after you had my confirmation, you continued to wait on my provision. You even knew where you were going to stay, but you didn't know if I'd provide financially. You continued to wait on me even up till the day you left, and even after you arrived, I continued to pour out provision. You were given assurance that if you didn't reach your goal financially, your parents would help. I provided so abundantly for you that you had all you needed even before your parents could give. I provide for you. I am enough for you. If I did this once in your life, what makes you think I won't do it again? Trust me. I called you, and then I provided. I have called you again; believe that I will provide again."

This evening's walk ended in tears. And in joy. My anxiety has been turned to joy and thankfulness. And even more, I adore my Father because I know He responded perfectly to my anxiety, taking it from me just in time for me to enjoy this last week to the full.  I choose to enjoy his blessings instead of wasting them on worry.  My God provides.

Count Down

A year ago yesterday, I wrote my first blog post. I was so excited to finally have confirmation that I'd be going to Guatemala for a year. And how that year has flown by. Today, exactly one year later, I was standing in church worship when Jessica came up to me and whispered what she felt God was calling her to say to me. "The count-down has begun, and you know it. In this short time you have left, do not be distracted but rather focus on the purpose God has sent you here for. The purpose he shared with you before you even set foot in Guatemala."

These were sobering words, and even now as I went to read my first blog over again, hoping for some clue as to what exactly that "purpose" could be, I was shocked to read the date April 13th and tears started to fill my eyes. I just got back from a walk with Jesus. I don't take them very often, but every once in a while I just walk around the neighborhood talking outloud to him, hoping no one sees me and thinks I'm crazy. The walk today was bittersweet. A time of me thanking him for all the sweet memories of being here that came to my head as I began to look around, and a time of conviction for the way I've wanted to throw in the towel early this past week.

Work here is hard, and at times it seems like the return on investments is so little that, why bother? In moments of frustration I often feel like the kids in my classroom have worn more on me with their bad habits than picked up on my good habits. And it's easy to start thinking this way, when I don't take the time to connect with Jesus.

If there's one thing He wants me to learn here, it is precisely that--I need him. I need to ask his opinion, advice, and direction on every decision of my life big and small. I've even written a blog post about this before. There's a song I learned by Nancy Amancio that says, "Trusting is crying out to Jesus before you throw in the towel." And that is the purpose he shared with me before I came. He wants me to learn to be faithful in speaking with him, listening to him. I don't have to fret about trying to remember what it is that God wants me to do, and worry about wasting my time with distractions--I simply need to ask him about the decisions I have ahead of me in life before I commit to them. Every trip, every invitation, every opportunity and choice, I can simply ask, Is this your best for me? Would you have me spend my time this way? And I KNOW that He answers, because I have experienced it.

So, as I begin my countdown to finishing my time here at Maná, I am evermore determined to not let one day pass without listening for the voice of my savior. His sheep recognize his voice.

Isaiah 30:19-21
"How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. ²⁰ Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teacher will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see him. ²¹ Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.”"

In the desert--Written in January, finished in March

I just got back to Escuintla this past Tuesday, January 8, and I have to admit that adjusting back now after having been home for almost a month is really hard. The first couple days, I felt incredibly tired and overwhelmed, not having prepared myself to be thrown into action. Being back in the US was easy and comfortable. Here, I immediately found myself becoming bitter at the loss of so many luxuries I had gained back during my vacation time. Hot showers, having my own car, no mosquitoes, not having to ask permission for everything, feeling in the loop. I felt so unprepared for everything being thrown at me. Also, the first day I was back, I found out that many of the members of my church here had begun to do the Daniel fast, (a 21 day fast in which you refrain from eating meats and processed foods and eat only fruits, vegetables, whole grains and legumes).  Since they had already started, I felt the need to decide yes or no to doing the fast, and without much thought, decided, why not? So I've been fasting now for 5 days. The first two days, along with my general attitude, were full of bitterness (should I even be doing this when most Americans avoid uncooked vegetables altogether when in Guatemala). I had headaches, I was grumpy, my stomach hurt and I was pretty much miserable. More than anything, I just wanted out. I wanted to go home. I wanted to go back to sleeping in and being on my own schedules and understanding everything going on around me. I quickly resolved: forget any thoughts of extending my stay here. I'll grit it out until the times up, and then I'm out of here to go to grad school, find a job-- anything but this.

After the first day of school, I felt about the same. Complaining, "Ugh, I don't have training to be a teacher. I'm not cut out for this--I don't even like it. I just want to go home, study, and then start doing something I actually can handle. Every night I felt like crying, and all I wanted to do was go to bed.

As for my time alone with God, I think fasting pushed me more to spend time with him, but mostly it just gave me the idea to read the book of Daniel. So I started reading, and really, of all the books of the bible, Daniel is one of the most interesting, so it hasn't taken me long to get through it. I was impressed by Daniel. His resolve to do the right thing, even when constantly being put under pressure. His wisdom, which was simple really, was to just ask God to reveal things to him every time he needed to be wise. And God was always faithful.

I can't explain exactly how, but I think Daniel has been wearing on me. Yesterday at school was much easier. Things felt way less chaotic and I actually felt the resolve to love my kids and surprisingly--I think yesterday they may have actually learned something new. I started to feel something for the first time since I had been back--hope. I actually felt excited about my chance to teach 4th and 5th grade, instead of dreading it. But then, in the afternoon, one harsh comment sent me straight back into bitterness. It's funny how God works though. As I sat simmering on the comment that was made, I couldn't help but pay attention to the work I was doing at the time. I was translating a children's book talking about the fruit of the spirit. The book said that the fruit of Patience is "enduring life without complaining, waiting for god, and trusting him even when you don't understand." It went on to say that Anger is the attitude that spoils patience. "Anger leads to wrong thoughts and complaining words. People get angry when they are hurt or want their own way." Hmm. Yup. I thought. I guess that pretty much describes what's been going on with me these past days.

But it wasn't until this morning that I really understood why.  I wrote in my journal, spilling out all the different feelings I've had this week. Sharing with him the guilt I felt about not having spent enough time with him, I realized something I should have seen a long time ago. I'm hurt. I'm hurt because I've been believing a lie, and that lie has been tearing a wound into my soul. The lie I've been believing is that I'm not good enough.  I often believe I'm not good enough for God, for my job, for the people I care about.  But, when I remember the truth that I value to God for who I am (his child) and not for what I do, I don't have to feel under pressure. I don't have a hard master, I have a master that loves me and wants me to succeed in his plans for me.

I never posted this blog... I think I was scared for people to know the time of frustration I went through, but how can I share the good and hide the bad?

Today is March 10th. I realize now, in rough times and in happy times that God has sent me here to form my character, to make me fall in love with him and to teach me about obedience. I'm really good at obeying when I agree, when I'm on board, when I'm passionate about something. Obedience is a lot harder when I'm not so happy about it, but God's blessings to me in this hard time of doing what's right even when it's not easy (and often failing and finding a way to do what I want instead of what He wants), I'm really starting to see the type of life he has planned for me. And the more I surrender and obey even when I don't really want to, the more I've started to realizing--it is actually what I want. The life God has planned for me IS better than having it my own way.

a new name

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted anything about my time here in Escuintla.  I’ve written, but I haven’t posted, and now with so many things that have happened in my life, it’s hard to know what to share.  I’ll start with the question that I’d been waiting to find an answer to all year…. What is my next step?

I have loved and been amazed by God this past year. So much so that I wondered if I might stay here longer. But I had also planned to come back to the states and go to grad school. I prayed about my decision, asking that God would make clear to me my next step. I started keeping a journal where I’ve just said, “God, speak to me,” and then I record what I hear him say. At times I was skeptical, wondering if it was just my brain thinking or if God was really speaking to me. But He did. Every time I ask him to (which is not every day), he has said something perfectly adequate. One of the first times I did this, he indicated me the book of Ruth, and began to point out similarities between her story and mine, and blessing me with words of comfort. So, I began to ask him to speak clearly to me about whether to go to Grad School in May or whether to stay here in Escuintla.

This was his answer,

“Have faith my daughter and let your doubts of my presence in your life fade away. I who have provided for you from the beginning will continue to provide just what you need. Don’t be afraid to lift up the deepest worries of your heart to me. Wait patiently, all the while expecting that your god will answer you. Do not lose heart, but know that when I reveal to you my plan to you, you will be amazed by me again. You will joyfully commit without reservation to the road I will lay out for you. But now, prepare your heart for today, for the challenges and the faces of children you will meet. I will make you patient. I will give you peace. Be blessed by me this day. Read Psalm 118… ‘this is the day the lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.’”

The Lord has been taking my worries about the future and refocusing me on his plans for me in the present. And as I started to learn how to do this, He did something completely unique in my life.

Around this time, Jessica invited me to sing at a Women’s conference in Escuintla that she was teaching at. I prepared, but the day before, something happened with the music arrangement and I would no longer be able to sing. That week had been draining, and I was relieved and thinking about sleeping in and no longer going to the conference, but something urged me to go anyway. The day was beautiful and full of wonderful speakers, and I had the privilege of sitting at the pastors table and meeting them.

One of the speakers spoke about the new name God gives us as his daughters. The teaching comes from several passages in scripture, including Romans 2. This teaching had been one I had heard many times before, but I hadn’t really given any thought to if God had given ME a new name. So when Jessica leaned over and asked me if I had received my new name, I said, “no… not yet.” But I thought about it. In one of my times alone with Him, God had been directing me to the character of Ruth. Could it be that this was my new name? As I sat their praying, asking God to reveal himself to me, I looked up the book of Ruth, searching for confirmation. A woman I had met earlier that day, one of the teachers, from Venezuela, came up behind me and began to prophesy over me. Hearing prophetic words was not something I was used to, but is something that has happened to me several times this past year. She began to speak God’s confirmation into my life. She said that God knows I’ve been unsure but that this is his confirmation that my name is Ruth.  And as Ruth left her home to go to a foreign country, a country of abundance, so had I done. Jessica sat down next to us as she prophesied and the prophet spoke that Jessica was my Naomi, the one who I had followed on this scary adventure and who I was developing a special bond with. And then the prophet said something very clear. She said that Guatemala was my new home, but that I would return for a time of preparation, and come back. She spoke that I would be a great administrator (I will be going home to study Administration in Social Work), and many other things that specifically pertain to my life.

In tears I sat with Jessica receiving this special confirmation from the Lord and I knew that this was the special time he had promised to me—the time I would be amazed by that would leave me joyful with my decision for the future. I’ll be leaving for a time of preparation, but I will be coming back.

A few weeks later I got into the MSSW Community Administration and Leadership program at the University of Texas. Without hesitation I accepted, and know where I will be for the next year. God has been faithful to me and more than anything he has made me more confident of his voice in my life. He keeps revealing the steps in my life to me a little bit at a time, and I still struggle with getting ahead of myself, and Him, but I am encouraged and excited about the direction he’s taking me in and the blessings of his promises being fulfilled in my life.

And I know that if his plans for me are this detailed and this special, then I know He has plans this special for each of His children. So if you’re still waiting for God to reveal his plans for your life, don’t be afraid to ask Him. Because he WILL answer. His answers aren’t always so easy to hear, but they are always so good.