"Give me faith to trust what you say/ that you're good and your love is great. I'm broken inside/ I give you my life." --elevation worship (new favorite song)
Tomorrow starts the beginning of my last week in Guatemala. Today at church, the good-byes officially started as my last Sunday in Escuintla was announced. It's hard to describe the way I feel but I'll try: I feel anticipation for the future, reminiscence over so many memories, anxiety about being ready for all the changes to take place, excitement about all the joyful celebration to happen before I leave, fear of the unknown, love and warmth toward all the people who have made a difference in my life, sadness over leaving those people, frustration at feeling like it's all going by too fast, and peaceful contentment in knowing God's plan for me has been, is, and continues to be so good. Mixed emotions to say the least.
Tonight I took a walk around the neighborhood (one of my Sunday afternoon/evening habits), and I realize it might have been my last. These walks are my times of talking to and listening to God and unwinding everything I've experienced in a given week. Tonight my time with Him was especially good.
I confessed to him a dream I had this morning: I was walking with Pablo aimlessly around a college campus, looking for parking services, getting lost several times and feeling I was in some sort of labyrinth. When I finally found it, I realized I had lost my drivers license and had no idea where it was... then I had to write down my phone number and I couldn't remember it... Even though the dream seems silly, it had me terrified.
I realized when I started telling God about it, that I'm really anxious about starting school at UT. I got in and He's given me confirmation that I need to go. By this point, I know where and with whom I will be living. But I still don't know how to pay for it. I've applied to jobs and assistantships, and so far, no word. I'm also hoping I might qualify for instate tuition.
So I started out by asking him to work in the hearts of those I will need to talk to in order for the above to happen, confess my worry to Him, and after long, I ended up just thanking Him. For everything he's done for me this year. And before I knew it he started to speak to me. He began to convict me in ways I didn't expect. I realized part of the reason I wanted a job/assistantship was for my parents to be proud of me. They've provided so much for me, and I want the pride of knowing I no longer need their support, and that I'm competent enough to do it on my own. But if there's one thing God showed me this past week of having my parents with me, it's that they're already more than proud of me. They love me, and they are still willing to do whatever it takes to help support me if I need them. God continued to speak.
"I will provide for you, Kelli. Worship me. Remember my promises. Remember the works I have done in your life. When I called you to Guatemala, you waited months before you had my confirmation. And even after you had my confirmation, you continued to wait on my provision. You even knew where you were going to stay, but you didn't know if I'd provide financially. You continued to wait on me even up till the day you left, and even after you arrived, I continued to pour out provision. You were given assurance that if you didn't reach your goal financially, your parents would help. I provided so abundantly for you that you had all you needed even before your parents could give. I provide for you. I am enough for you. If I did this once in your life, what makes you think I won't do it again? Trust me. I called you, and then I provided. I have called you again; believe that I will provide again."
This evening's walk ended in tears. And in joy. My anxiety has been turned to joy and thankfulness. And even more, I adore my Father because I know He responded perfectly to my anxiety, taking it from me just in time for me to enjoy this last week to the full. I choose to enjoy his blessings instead of wasting them on worry. My God provides.
