Back home the leaves are changing, temperatures are cooling,
pumpkin spice lattes are back at Starbucks, and everything Fall is underway. In
Escuintla, it’s just as hot as ever, with more frequent and heavy rain, and on
a day with a slight breeze, I’m able to remind myself that it’s actually
October. Actually October and almost November, and soon I’ll be visiting home
for Christmas.
The
adventure for me is hardly almost half way over. In many ways, I’m realizing
now that it’s just beginning. It’s never been more clear to me how important it
is to hear God’s voice daily. I need him to focus my heart and mind while I’m
at Mana de Vida on what is actually important
that the kids hear and see from me instead of what I think is important for
them to hear. I’ve been asking him to help me understand and connect even more
deeply in worship with my church community that is in many ways different than
what I’ve experienced at home. I pray that his voice continue to guide me each
day as I discover more and more what his plan might look like for me in the
long term—where I will study, work, live; who I will be with. So far, I think
my biggest challenge is remembering to make time to just listen. Life can be so
busy, tiring, and full of good things, that I lose track of the one thing that
makes everything matter—my Jesus.
Looking
back at my time here so far, there have been moments of great confidence, much
growth and epiphany, and other troughs of just getting by, feeling confused or
without direction, and times of asking myself “where has the time gone?” These
moments aren’t necessarily distinct to my life in Guatemala; in fact, if I
examine closely, these same feelings characterize the majority of my life. But
I’ve realized that more than a constant ebbing and flowing of emotions, that in
my walk with Jesus, in my spiritual Journey, and in realizing the purpose God
has for me, I have so much more to learn, much more growing to do, and most
exciting of all, much more intimacy to obtain with the God of this universe.
I used to feel threatened when I
came into contact with people who have more intimacy with God than I do; I felt
the need to compare myself spiritually to them, especially the closer these
people are to me in age. This type of thinking caused me to feel guilty as I
judged my own sense of spiritual maturity and intimacy with the Lord on the
basis of my comparison to others. I’m so thankful that now my God is teaching
me to realize the peril of this way of thinking. By constantly reminding me
that he loves me without condition, that he is pleased with me because I am his
child, and by drawing me to spend more time with him, he has begun to replace
my struggle with comparison and feeling like I’m disappointing him with a new
train of thought. He’s teaching me that instead of being threatened by others’
spiritual walks, gifts, and abilities, I can be encouraged. Encouraged that He
and I have so much more to look forward to in our relationship, encouraged that
I’m not alone and don’t have to be good at everything, and encouraged that I am
surrounded by a group of people who are uniquely gifted to bring light to the
darkness here in Escuintla.
Each day that I successfully see
myself as God sees me, instead of seeing myself how I see me, or how I think
other people see me, is a day I am truly connected to his purposes for my life—a
day I make myself available to really listen and hear his guiding voice.
